Within the Stream of Thought

random shenannigans of crazy behavior

A barrel of monkies? Not really.

This past week has been... interesting.

Not only was I so ill I couldn't stand and couldn't walk right, but my cat freaked out and totally mauled me.

Blood bath... blood everywhere.

*sighs* Not his fault, though. He and his brother were traumatized when they were bitty kittens by the neighbor. They hate loud noises, loud sounds, quick and sudden movements, too. They freak out and get scared easily so it's understandable.

What I didn't expect, is the my dog to bowl into my legs which jerked me which freaked the cat out that caused the blood bath.

Hurrah for super excitable terriers!

Anyway, while I was sick, I felt Loki hovering around. I get the feeling He wanted to help, but was unsure. I ended up staying curled up in bed and I could feel Him around me. It was nice to know as sick as I was, I wasn't truly alone. He really always is there for me anytime I need him and a lot of times I feel I've got it covered!

He worries a lot, I've noticed, about people He considers His own.

Then again, maybe it's because I've known Him for so long. In fact, I even had a visit from Sigyn this past week. She doesn't show up much at all, but when She does, it's usually when Loki's been worried for me. She's always been a no-nonsense mother figure, and I love Her for it. I do wish She'd come around more, but She usually just pops in once in awhile to say 'Hello!' and to make sure I'm paying enough attention to Loki.

She's such a pretty lady. Maybe someday She'll be comfortable enough with me to say more than 'Hello'.

Thankfully, I feel much improved, minus the cat attack marks (Ugh!) and seem to be on the mend... hopefully, I can get back on the ball writing in my journal!

To use a kenning or not...
To be honest, some Kennings are extremely rude and use them at your own risk.

Be wary when you use them, honestly, as you might have an irate god on your hands... and trust me, when dealing with Loki, it's not pleasant in any way, shape or form. He can be brutal in His teachings.

Now, the one I do use is: The Man with the Tattered Smile.

Well, why?

Because even from the first time I saw Him, I saw his scaring. It's something He's never hidden from me, and I think it's because I really connect to that part of Him.

Visual damage. Scaring... damaged and seen as lesser.

I'm absolutely there standing on His side in this matter.

You see, I myself have a myriad of scars... on my legs, my arms and my body. I don't heal like I rightly should, so they end up scaring... people can be ever so rude and hurtful.

But with Loki... I know I'm not alone.

He's tattered and torn from winds that buffet Him and yet, He still has this well of strength that I so envy. He doesn't cave, but He gets even on those that hurt Him.

I can appreciate that so much.

There's a well of love within me for His trials and tribulations, as it is with Sigyn and the Children of Loki... So much I wish I could give, but I sit here contented that I know He, in His own ways, loves me as I am with no fancy coverings or makeup or anything to hide myself.

Before Him and with Him I am myself - naked, whole, and loved.  

Twists and Turns
Having a relationship for a long time with a God is quite fulfilling.

There's a lot of division between sects of groups on rites and rituals and beliefs on certain gods...

It's quite sad.

In particular, the eternal question of what is Loki...

Loki, by his nature, is Chaos.

Contrary to popular belief, He's not "Evil" because Chaos is not evil... but is neutral. It's only our choice and decision on what to do with change that makes it evil.

Why do people fear change?

I don't think I'll ever understand that...

What I do greatly dislike are people who jump down your throat over who you worship.

This is not your choice on who we worship, but it is your choice to belittle the Gods that chose us to walk their path.

Why do people have to hypocritical about it?

I've only had one encounter that ever scared me, but in the end, it was a very hard earned lesson that He had been walking with me, side by side.

I'm still highly unconventional by anyone's standards, I'm sure, but He doesn't mind.

There's always ups and downs... but there's far more ups.

Contemplation of being a Heathen in Christian Clothing
I've often been asked why?

Why would I worship someone so 'evil'?

Well, the term 'evil' is subjective and I firmly believe that people who call Him 'evil' truly don't understand a single thing about Him.

Chaos and Change are not evil.

Oh sure, people take it as evil and change isn't easy to make or keep, but to label them as 'evil' is very primitive and... well, shallow minded.

I remember talking with a group of pagans who flat out told me I needed to change who I worshiped...

Why would I abandon Him when He, flat out in crystal clear speech, claimed me as one of His own?

Because people are afraid of change. They're comfortable in the now instead of the hard work needed to be truly happy which means you have to embrace Change.

Being a Lokean isn't an easy path: either from the arrows of hate directed His way by other pagans and heathens or by sheer virtue He can be a total brat. (I hear Him laugh whenever I call Him a 'brat'. He seems to revel in it, although I would highly suggest you get to know Him more before calling Him that to His face ;) What might be ok for me, might be different for you.)

What other God do you know that when you ask for clarification or guidance you get 'Pfft, you'll figure it out' or 'Hah! No!'

The Man with the Tattered Smile is who does this... and it's as infuriating as it is adorable... yes, I said it. He can be quite adorable. In particular, when I surprise Him enough to make Him embarrassed. It's rare, but it happens! Sigyn will roll Her eyes at Him and laugh - See? It's not just me that loves you so.

I do so love Him... and even that is inadequate for what I feel towards Him.

I think, though, the hardest thing I've done with my faith is to live under the 'Christian Clothing'.

You see, I live in a rather religious household and anything that deviates from this is wrong to them. So I play my part and wander to church on Sundays (when forced) and instead, would pray to my God instead of theirs and it's also why I don't have an altar to Him and Sigyn.

I don't object to Christianity; believe as you will, but I do object to the vitriol they spew towards those who don't believe as they. Even within different branches of belief on the same Christian Tree... there's hate and intolerance and hurtful behavior.

I think it's because a great many don't really have a personal relationship with their God. They know their God exists... but they've never really felt him beside them. They've never felt his love or happiness or even that he's proud when you've done something unspeakably hard.

Mine has... and does, even now after 18 years... He's here. Standing with me, either beside me, His hand in mine or behind me, to support and guide.

But He's here with beautiful laughter and a very deep encompassing love.

Shedding my Christian Clothing is liberating in a way I never believed... I can feel how proud He is that I've stepped into my own and can proudly proclaim Him as He claims me.

... and if He decides to give me more hugs for being proud of me... I won't ever object.

Poking and Prodding


I've been away for a very long time! (2011?! REALLY?!)

That needs to change now!

I've been a heathen in Christian clothing for a very long time. It's simply been a lot easier for me to smile and say 'Well, yes. I am.'

However, recently within the past year, I've been poked and prodded. Situations arose where I've had to confess and I keep noticing His name crop up everywhere I least expect it...

I think He's trying to tell me to take control... and so I shall, here at least and in small steps:

I, Cat, am a Lokean.

What does this mean?

It means I worship the Norse God of Trickery, Fire and Chaos... and surprisingly, the Hearth and Home.

I've loved the Norse for a great many years and it's often been told how I marched out during a thunderstorm to tell Thor to sit in time out and calm down, but my heart had always been drawn to one in particular.

No, I don't have an altar.

No, I don't light candles or do anything the 'typical' pagan or heathen does...

I write to him... sometimes daily; sometimes not... about the day and how I feel and how very much I love Him for finding me.

You see, I tend to keep this close to the vest so to speak, and deep in my heart, but I'll let you in on a secret - I'm Loki's because He wants me to be.

It's really that simple.

He found me, claimed me, and made me His own.

I had... some really rough times. I had lost most of my family within a year's time frame. I had a horrible breakup with a boyfriend and in general, I was not feeling loved nor listened to... and it had all culminated one lonesome night.

You see, I was going to seriously hurt myself... but I was stopped.

I'll always remember with crystal clarity someone's hands on my forearms that made me put the knife away... feeling someone's arms wrap around me and a perfectly clear voice saying: Now why would I let you do that? You're one of mine.

I was terrified... and I remember turning my face to come nose to nose with a man... with beautiful red hair and stunning green eyes.

'Who are you?' I remember asking... only to receive laughter and for Him to fade away...

His laughter stayed with me for months...

I was raised a devout Christian, so I was perplexed because I knew that this person was NOT Jesus or an angel... or anything I was used to dealing with... so being the information whore I am, I started looking and digging. I came across the Lokasenna and I heard that beautiful, happy laughter again...

... and I knew.

It wasn't long after, either, that Sigyn showed up as well into my life in gentle and subtle ways... for they are both connected, He and Sigyn.

So braving my anxiety, I decided to dive into the strange and uncertain territory of Heathenism and Paganism...

Sometimes, to brutal results.

You see, there are a great many people who view Him as 'evil'. The Man with the Tattered Smile is more than 'evil' or 'good': He is a force of nature - primordial, deep and mysterious...

I have discovered that a great many people don't understand this... at all.

In the group I attended, we were often encouraged to share our experiences... so I shared mine to disbelief, derision and flat out hatred.

Oh sure, I'm not naive enough to think He's all unicorns and rainbows and fuzzy teddy bears... I have been the recipient of His mercurial and ferocious temper, of His anger that burns bright and hot when I do something that hurts myself or when I lie and deride myself...

However, this is simply one aspect to a very complex God.

He is also loving and gentle and tender... and this makes my worship of Him all the more precious...

That I see this side of Him that's exuberant happiness when I make chocolate chip cookies and leave Him one... or when I tempt fate and dance with my ungraceful and unbalanced body attempting not to trip and hurt myself... that makes Him so happy that I can feel He joins in with me... or the calm and gentle presence when I feel so alone and hurt that slides an arm around my shoulders and simply holds me there within His strength and compassion...

I don't see Him that often but I feel Him. I know He's there.

I love Him and I always will love Him for choosing me to be one of His.

EDIT: He seems to be insanely pleased with me, because I feel His arms around me and His face in my back as if to say: I'm proud.

I Play With Dolls
I play with dolls.

I do!

I am NOT ashamed to admit it, and infact I find it very amusing to those who think I'm childish.

I love them and I don't care what anyone else things.

Think I'm weird? Join the crowd!

Think I'm odd? Yes, I know I am. I simply accept it better than they do.

And quite frankly, WHO CARES?! 

Evidently a lot of people! 

It's suprising how many people view dolls as childish, and yet I know a great many collectors are adults and not children...

When did this become a double standard?

Meh, I think I rather hate humanity! 

For some insane reason, I Keep forgetting I DO have a LJ and wonder what the heck was my brain thinking?!

Oh, that's right... Nevermind! My bad!


Hopefully I'll be here to stay and start posting my writing... I hope.

That is if I don't forget anything! lol


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