I've been away for a very long time! (2011?! REALLY?!)
That needs to change now!
I've been a heathen in Christian clothing for a very long time. It's simply been a lot easier for me to smile and say 'Well, yes. I am.'
However, recently within the past year, I've been poked and prodded. Situations arose where I've had to confess and I keep noticing His name crop up everywhere I least expect it...
I think He's trying to tell me to take control... and so I shall, here at least and in small steps:
I, Cat, am a Lokean.
What does this mean?
It means I worship the Norse God of Trickery, Fire and Chaos... and surprisingly, the Hearth and Home.
I've loved the Norse for a great many years and it's often been told how I marched out during a thunderstorm to tell Thor to sit in time out and calm down, but my heart had always been drawn to one in particular.
No, I don't have an altar.
No, I don't light candles or do anything the 'typical' pagan or heathen does...
I write to him... sometimes daily; sometimes not... about the day and how I feel and how very much I love Him for finding me.
You see, I tend to keep this close to the vest so to speak, and deep in my heart, but I'll let you in on a secret - I'm Loki's because He wants me to be.
It's really that simple.
He found me, claimed me, and made me His own.
I had... some really rough times. I had lost most of my family within a year's time frame. I had a horrible breakup with a boyfriend and in general, I was not feeling loved nor listened to... and it had all culminated one lonesome night.
You see, I was going to seriously hurt myself... but I was stopped.
I'll always remember with crystal clarity someone's hands on my forearms that made me put the knife away... feeling someone's arms wrap around me and a perfectly clear voice saying: Now why would I let you do that? You're one of mine.
I was terrified... and I remember turning my face to come nose to nose with a man... with beautiful red hair and stunning green eyes.
'Who are you?' I remember asking... only to receive laughter and for Him to fade away...
His laughter stayed with me for months...
I was raised a devout Christian, so I was perplexed because I knew that this person was NOT Jesus or an angel... or anything I was used to dealing with... so being the information whore I am, I started looking and digging. I came across the Lokasenna and I heard that beautiful, happy laughter again...
... and I knew.
It wasn't long after, either, that Sigyn showed up as well into my life in gentle and subtle ways... for they are both connected, He and Sigyn.
So braving my anxiety, I decided to dive into the strange and uncertain territory of Heathenism and Paganism...
Sometimes, to brutal results.
You see, there are a great many people who view Him as 'evil'. The Man with the Tattered Smile is more than 'evil' or 'good': He is a force of nature - primordial, deep and mysterious...
I have discovered that a great many people don't understand this... at all.
In the group I attended, we were often encouraged to share our experiences... so I shared mine to disbelief, derision and flat out hatred.
Oh sure, I'm not naive enough to think He's all unicorns and rainbows and fuzzy teddy bears... I have been the recipient of His mercurial and ferocious temper, of His anger that burns bright and hot when I do something that hurts myself or when I lie and deride myself...
However, this is simply one aspect to a very complex God.
He is also loving and gentle and tender... and this makes my worship of Him all the more precious...
That I see this side of Him that's exuberant happiness when I make chocolate chip cookies and leave Him one... or when I tempt fate and dance with my ungraceful and unbalanced body attempting not to trip and hurt myself... that makes Him so happy that I can feel He joins in with me... or the calm and gentle presence when I feel so alone and hurt that slides an arm around my shoulders and simply holds me there within His strength and compassion...
I don't see Him that often but I feel Him. I know He's there.
I love Him and I always will love Him for choosing me to be one of His.
EDIT: He seems to be insanely pleased with me, because I feel His arms around me and His face in my back as if to say: I'm proud.